A (not so) brief interlude on the story of 1,000 cranes

Well, this is what happens when Sandya is away in India for awhile and I have free reign - I've temporarily changed the subject matter of this blog for one entry, since so many people have asked me why I decided to fold 1,000 cranes and because many friends wanted to contribute their cranes to my cause but I wanted to do it on my own. So here's the story behind it, if you care to read it (I apologize, it's not very interesting and more a musing on feelings and relationships and life. I warned you). Also, some pretty pictures!

This time last year I was in a pretty shitty place emotionally. I had just gotten out of a 3-year relationship, and it did not end well. When you date someone for that long, you think that they will treat you as an equal and that they'll be sensitive to your biggest fears in a relationship. So when you are completely blind-sided and have no say in the future of your relationship, you don't feel very equal. You feel pretty shitty and worthless, kind of like you were a piece of trash thrown away. And then when you find out that your ex started dating someone less than a week after the end of your three year relationship, you feel even worse. You feel like you were replaced and you start to question your worth as a person. At least I did, since I always have a hard time being in a long-distance relationship and worrying about how the other person's feelings will change. I listened to this song a lot (it's a really fantastic break-up song, and kind of ironic that we saw this song live together in the midst of what seemed to be happier times). I cried a lot. I lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks because I could barely eat. You know, typical break-up responses.

Lobby wanted to help

My aunt had sent me an origami kit in the mail after she found out my relationship had ended. It kind of sat in my room for a month until one night I decided to crack it open. I hadn't folded a paper crane in years, and I had to look up YouTube videos because I could barely follow the written instructions. I spent that first night making a lot of terrible cranes, but you know what? I spent so much time focusing on folding the paper properly and getting the perfect creases, that I didn't think about anything else. I wasn't sad or angry or upset in that hour or so I spent folding cranes because I couldn't think about anything else. So that's when I realized that, hey, this is keeping me distracted! And then I remembered the story about 1,000 paper cranes which of course led me to the actual Wikipedia article on 1,000 paper cranes. Which is where I got this crazy idea to fold 1,000 cranes in a year, because I wanted a challenge and I wanted to keep my mind clear. And I am still hoping that a giant crane will come meet me and grant me a wish, because, giant crane (and wish). And also, I thought about this song a lot (Laura Veirs is awesome, here is another great break-up-like song by her).

Of course, after awhile, I got pretty decent at folding cranes, so I didn't have to focus as much. But I was also able to use this time to process my feelings and work through a lot of anger and sadness - it was really helpful for me to have a creative outlet. There was a span of a few months where I didn't get any cranes folded because I was particularly busy with grad school BS, but I still had a good number of months and I didn't want to give up. And I'm glad I didn't, because I've learned a lot along the way (or finally admitted some truths to myself in some cases).

First and foremost, I was constantly reminded of how lucky I am to have such an amazing support group of friends and family. My aunt sent me this origami kit in the mail as a gesture of goodwill, which started it all. But I also had friends send me edible arrangements and care packages full of my favorite things, friends who bought me origami paper to keep the project going, and friends who would drop what they were doing to talk to me and listen to me mope and complain about my feelings. It's hard to talk about relationships ending without sounding overly dramatic, like the world is ending and you can't go on, even when terrible things are happening around you every day. There are people who experience far worse feelings on a daily basis, but one thing I think is important to remember is that it's okay for you to feel bad about something shitty that happens to you. It's okay to feel like the world is ending for you when you process your emotions. You can't let it absorb your life, and you can't let it make you lose sight of the rest of the world, but it's okay to grieve. So thank you to each and every person who took the time to keep me in good spirits, kept me motivated to get these cranes done, or for just being an awesome friend. You know who you are, and you guys are all amazing.

In a similar vein, I have to thank everyone who offered to contribute their cranes to the 1,000 tally but whom I had to politely decline. I hope you can understand why I wanted to make this a personal journey (also, the Wikipedia entry states that you have to make the cranes yourself or you don't get that wish - and we all know Wikipedia doesn't lie). 

Another important lesson I learned (or rather, finally admitted as a truth) is that no one will ever change for you. Sure, people are capable of change - but only if it's something they truly want. Only if they see virtue or something beneficial for them in changing. So don't wait around for someone to change for you, especially when it comes to major life goals. I truly value my family and my relationships, so I want to get married and have a family of my own. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this, and I'm not doing it just because society is telling me to do this. So it was probably a bad idea to date an incredibly stubborn person who thinks marriage is a societal sham and who doesn't value family relationships as much as I do and who doesn't like children because you can't reason with them (... is all I have to comment on that one). It was definitely a bad idea to continue the relationship knowing this early on, but I thought that he would see my side of it. Or that he'd be willing to compromise because he loved me. DON'T THINK THAT AND DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME. I think deep down I knew it wouldn't happen, but I was holding out for it. And it ended up really, really hurting me. So I'm glad I'll never make that mistake again, but it wasn't the best way to learn it. So please please please don't ever compromise for someone if it isn't something you truly want yourself. It's okay to not want to get married, or to hate kids and not ever want them - but make sure your partner feels that way too. It's gonna be ugly if you have differing viewpoints, and it's going to lead to a lot of upsetting arguments.

And finally, I learned a lot about myself and my strength as a person. It's really, really easy to feel utterly worthless when you're the one being broken up with, especially when your ex starts dating someone less than a week later, lies about it, and seems much happier without you. It's like they are sending you this big signal - "I don't care about you or your feelings, and you know what? I'm not even really sad this is over. So have fun with the rest of your life kthxbye." I am still processing my feelings, a year later. I'm certainly in a much better place emotionally, but it's a tough feeling to get over. But I think it reinforced the fact that I know who I am as a person. I am comfortable with the person I have become and I'm not afraid of how I define myself. And I won't compromise on the things that are most important to me, because I should be with someone who shares those same values. Sure, I still have plenty of internal struggles (mostly related to my worth and value as a graduate student, but I think most of my fellow graduate students can agree that's pretty common in our line of work) and I still have times when I get down on myself. But when it comes down to it, I know who I am and what I want out of life. And that is an incredibly empowering feeling.

So that's it, really. I started this project as a coping mechanism. And I think it's a really great outlet that allows you time to grieve and process your emotions. I hope this will at least inspire one person to go out there and take up some kind of hobby or project to help you get through a tough time, or just as a means of self-discovery - I promise you, you will learn some truly inspiring things about yourself and the people that care about you.